It may be apparent to the vast majority of my contacts and followers that I tend to Yo-yo off and online sometimes. I have received criticism in the past regarding this and thought I would return with an in-depth post. I never feel the need to justify myself, but this subject is one I wish to elaborate on personally and for the benefit of other SW's who may feel the same.
First of all, I suffer from Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD, which are all trauma-induced. I maintain my health, medication and my grip on reality particularly well 80% of the time, but there are times throughout the year where this is not the case. I have noticed I seem to do great for 3-6 months at a time and then I really struggle for a few weeks or so. It's really not as simple as "talk" or "give yourself a shake". There are days where I can't even get out of bed and I become heavily suicidal. This however is a recurring theme and pattern I have come to notice over the past few years. I can only acknowledge it, sit with it and do all I can to remain safe and sane throughout it. This is when I tend to come offline.
It takes a great amount of effort (like any job) to be productive. With this particular profession, this also means turning up your best, doing the makeup, making the content, brainstorming, editing, and being completely focused. Sometimes, I just can't! I deactivated my Twitter this time around when I found I was losing followers almost instantly from the day I stopped posting. I know Followers are not the be-all and end-all and I don't require this validation either, however when you feel like shit and you're in this place in your mind, If you're anything like me, you start to take it as some form of a personal attack or a confirmation of the shit things you feel about yourself at the time. The minute I stopped posting my content or said I needed time out, they started dropping. I may be a Domme, content producer, quick, click, kink fulfillment, but I'm also an everyday human just like you and I burn out all the same when I put my work before my health.
I intended to leave the scene indefinitely actually. I had my bags packed on this occasion and was ready to fulfill another career. Unfortunately but also, fortunately, I couldn't. On my 6 months off, I completely lost myself. I've done this for so long now, that it is just who I am and I needed to realize this and accept it.
At the time when I removed myself in January and started having this "mini-mental breakdown" I had also been in a short-term "dating" situation where I let my guard down for the first time in a long time. It was a strong reminder to why I keep that guard up as this person made me look at myself and end up with a tornado in my head about my own identity, comfort, and lifestyle decisions. I've been in situations like this before where I vowed never to allow it but here I was! Again! I then as a Domme started to feel weak, or question my capability. I was giving myself a very hard time over stupid shit like my lack of control in this situation, for feeling these things and letting someone influence my thought process in such a short space of time. It's taken me from Late December until now to become grounded again and feel even slightly like myself.
I haven't fully gone in-depth here but I just felt I needed and wanted to post this for both myself and as a stepping stone really. I'm not 100% but I feel ready now to come back and resume my life as it were, hopefully with a little more understanding from my subs and fans of my work. It's also a post to remind myself of my strengths and resilience to life's bullshit.
I intend to resume where I left off, but with a more structured rota and availability. In the time I've been gone Onlyfans has fucked up again, I don't intend to fix this or attempt to this time around. I will be moving my services and all content/, content back to AVN. It seems to be the better platform for supporting UK workers as well. I hope to share with you all more of why I'm in this industry, what I love and what pulled me towards it in the first place all those many moons ago.
Thanks for reading, bearing with me and still being here.
See you soon,